How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

	Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
	Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
	Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
	Rottweiler: Make me.
	Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
	Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
	German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
	Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
	Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
	Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
	Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
	Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
	Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
	Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
	"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage! ?"

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Dog's Terminology

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and
you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If they are lucky, a human will love you in return.

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Subject: Dogs' Letters to God...

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God.
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it that carpet thing, again?

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?

• How often do you see a cougar riding around?
• We dogs love a nice ride!
• Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will we have to apologise?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember in order to be a good dog:

• I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw up.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they make me smell.
• I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
• The toilet is not my drinking fountain.
• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• Nosing someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
• I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not come in from outside and drag my butt across the carpet.
• The cat is not a squeaky toy; when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Cat Letter to God

Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.

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If a dog was the teacher you woul learn stuff like ...

When loved ones come home always run to greet them

Never pass up an opportunity for a joyride

Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy

When it is in your best interests, practice obedience

Let others know when they've invaded your territory

Take naps

Stretch before rising

Run, romp and play daily

Thrive on attention and let people touch you

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do

On warm days stop and lie on your back in the grass

On hot days drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree

When your happy dance around and wag your whole body

No matter how much you are scolded don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .....! run back and make friends

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm Stop when you have had enough

Be loyal Never pretend you are somthing you are not

If what you want lies buried dig until you find it

When someone is having a bad day be silent sit close and nuzzle them gently

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Decorating with Pets

Decorating when you have pets can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share:

1. Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have any art objects that reflect your love of animals.
   
2. Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and often the light in a room.
   
3. Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be molested by your pets. An up light can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower ones for the dogs.
   
4. Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful homey, country-quilt look to an otherwise bland room.
   
5. Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with pet hair.
   
6. Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass can create an unusual coffee table, one your friends will really remember.
   
7. Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw pillows do.
   
8. Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to relax and feel at home.
   
9. Dog crates can make versatile end tables, and can be slip covered to match any room decor.
   
10. There is absolutely nothing that makes a guest feel as welcome as three friendly dogs hopping in his lap as soon as he sits down.
    
    So throw away those videos by Better Homes and Gardens and others, and express your own unique tastes. Your home should reflect what YOU like!

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Dog Haiku

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad --she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

Dig under the fence--why?
Because it is there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

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